The internet is one of the largest nets in the entire world. Here are some things that I like/find humorous/want others to see/what-have-you.

“Super Bass” in JavaScript

Apr
07
Posted on April 7, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Inspired by Jack Shepherd’s literal songs.

var theBoys=document.getElementsByTagName('boy'),
deck=[];
function lookForDude(){
   var dude;
   for(i=0;i<theBoys.length;i++){
      if(theBoys[i].system==='boomin\''&&theBoys[i].top==='down'
      &&theBoys[i].AC.coolinSystem){
         var theClub=document.getElementById('club');
         theClub.appendChild(theBoys[i]);
         theBoys[i].blazin++;
         deck.push(theBoys[i].getElementsByTagName('stack'));
         theBoys[i].ill==theBoys[i].real==true;
         theBoys[i].deal==Math.floor(Math.random()*2)==1?true:false;
         while(document.getElementsByTagName('bottle').length){
            document.getElementsByTagName('bottle').pop();
         }
         theBoys[i].getElementsByTagName('build')[0].style.textAlign='right';
         theBoys[i].temperature--;
         theBoys[i].dope=true;
         if(Math.floor(Math.random()*2)==1){
            for(j=0;j<theClub.getElementsByTagName('boy');j++){
               if(theClub.getElementsByTagName('boy')[j].coke.length===0)
                  theClub.getElementsByTagName('boy')[j].coke++;
            }
         }
         document.getElementById('plane').getElementsByTagName('class')[0]
         .appendChild(theBoys[i]);
         var trip=function(boy){
            if(boy.trip)
               return 'mutha fuckin\' trip';
         };
         var isTrip=trip(theBoys[i]);
         var ship={
            ship:{
               sailor:theBoys[i]
            }
         };
         var drip=function(){
            theBoys[i].getElementsByTagName('lip')[0].getElementsByTagName('lip')[0]
            .innerHTML='kiss';
         };
         if(theBoys[i].addEventListener)
            theBoys[i].addEventListener('drip',drip,false);
         else if(theBoys[i].attachEvent)
            theBoys[i].attachEvent('ondrip',drip);
         dude=theBoys[i];
      }
   }
   return dude;
}
console.log(lookForDude());
function slapHo(){
   var ho;
   if(window.XMLHttpRequest){
      ho=new XMLHttpRequest();
   else if(window.ActiveXObject)
      ho=new ActiveXObject('Microsoft.XMLHTTP');
   ho.open('GET','/ho-json');
   ho.send();
   ho.onreadystatechange=function(){
      if(ho.readyState==4){
         if(ho.responseText.lookin)
            return;
      }
   }
}
var willHoGetSlapped=slapHo();
alert('Excuse me, you\'re a hell of a guy.\n'+
'I mean my, my, my you\'re like pelican fly.\n'+
'I mean, you\'re so shy and I\'m lovin\' your tie.\n'+
'You\'re like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye, oh!');
function didShe(){
   return;
}
function whoTheEffSheIs(){
   if(didShe())
      alert('She is Nicki Minaj, she macks them dudes up.\n'+
      'Back coupes up, and chuck the deuce up.');
}
whoTheEffSheIs();
var boy=lookForDude(),
superBass='boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom bass';
function runAway(){ 
   var heartbeat=document.getElementById('heartbeat');
   heartbeat.style.position='absolute';
   while(Number(heartbeat.style.left.replace('px',''))<window.innerWidth){
       heartbeat.style.left=(Number(heartbeat.style.left.replace('px',''))+1)+'px';
   }
   heartbeat.getElementsByTagName('beating')[0].innerHTML='/images/drum.png';
   boy.parentNode.insertBefore(heartbeat,boy);
   return boy.getElementsByTagName('feeling')[0].indexOf(superBass);
}
var canBoyFeelIt=runAway();
function setBoysBass(){
   boy.bass=superBass;
}
setBoysBass();
function checkBoysBass(){
   if(boy.bass===superBass)
      return;
}
var isThatThatSuperBass=checkBoysBass();
setBoysBass();
isThatThatSuperBass=checkBoysBass();
for(i=0;i<theBoys.length;i++){
   if(theBoys[i].getElementsByTagName('polo').length&&
   (theBoys[i].entrepreneurial||theBoys[i].mogul)){
      var crew=theBoys[i].parentNode.childNodes;
      for(j=0;j<crew.length;j++){
         if(crew[j]!==theBoys[i])
            theBoys[i].parentNode.removeChild(crew[j]);
      }
      var cap=document.createElement('cap');
      cap.style.width='100%';
      theBoys[i].appendChild(cap);
      document.getElementById('mac').disabled='disabled';
      var thatLook=document.createElement('look');
      document.getElementById('her').appendChild(thatLook);
      document.getElementById('her').removeChild(document.getElementById('her')
      .getElementsByTagName('panties')[0]);
      var excuseHer=document.createElement('p');
      excuseHer.innerHTML='You\'re a hell of a guy.<br />'+
      'You know I really got a thing for American guys.<br />'+
      'I mean, sigh, sickenin\' eyes.<br />'+
      'I can tell that you\'re in touch with your feminine side, oh!';
      theBoys[i].appendChild(excuseHer);
   }
}
whoTheEffSheIs();
canBoyFeelIt=runAway();
setBoysBass();
isThatThatSuperBass=checkBoysBass();
setBoysBass();
isThatThatSuperBass=checkBoysBass();
document.getElementById('her').getElementsByTagName('life')[0].appendChild(boy);
boy.style.position='fixed';
boy.style.top='0';
boy.style.left='0';
canBoyFeelIt=runAway();
setBoysBass();
isThatThatSuperBass=checkBoysBass();
setBoysBass();
isThatThatSuperBass=checkBoysBass();

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12 Responses to “Super Bass” in JavaScript

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    • OK, I was just going to let it slide, but I have to say that I take great offense.

      Who the fuck are you to tell me I’m not allowed to have an Otropic? If I want to have a rare German microscope produced in the 1940s, I don’t see how that’s any business of yours.

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