You know what I miss most about working for PETA (besides hanging out with A-list celebrities like Benji Madden)? We had this tradition when we launched a new campaign where we’d get all of the staff, interns, and volunteers together in a meeting room to kick around creative ideas, from how to market the campaign online to what sorts of props we should use at demonstrations. My favorite part of these brainstorming seshes was coming up with campaign taglines. For whatever reason, some of my most brilliant ideas never actually made it to print. Here are some campaign posters that I wish so hard were real.
If you’re not a middle-aged woman, you probably have no fucking clue what a “Premarin” is. Premarin is a drug used to treat the symptoms of menopause. As if menopause wasn’t already gross enough, Premarin is made by strapping rubber bags to forcibly impregnated horses and collecting their urine. I swear to God I’m not making this shit up — the name Premarin is in fact an acronym for PREgnant MARes’ urINe. To produce this hot flash piss cocktail, Pfizer keeps horses pregnant for about 12 years straight in stalls so tiny they can’t even turn around, and deprives them of water in order to squeeze more estrogen out of them.
Those assholes at Ringling must hate that PETA owns the domain name Circuses.com, almost as much as Tyson and Smithfield must hate that it owns Meat.org. For decades now, PETA’s activists have been following Ringling’s caravan of freaks and child molesters everywhere they go, documenting how poorly animals in their care are treated. In just 19 years, at least 29 elephants have died because of Ringling’s fuckedupedness, four of which were babies, one of which was an 8-month-old. 29 dead elephants in 19 years. If they were all buried on top of each other, the grave would have to be as deep as a football field.
Fortunately PETA won it’s campaign against POM Wonderful pretty quickly, because honestly, it was confusing as all hell. It was a really difficult campaign to explain to someone at a demonstration, largely because of the fact that what POM was doing to animals is too psychotic to believe. Basically, in order to make some pretty outlandish health claims about its bourgie juice, POM was inducing erectile dysfunction in rabbits. It’s baffling, but true. POM’s goal in conducting these Dr. Jekyll-esque experiments was to be able to tell consumers that drinking their juice will make your old man weiner stay hard. The fun part of PETA’s ultimately victorious campaign to stop these experiments was that Naked Juice, one of POM’s primary competitors, had a “no animal experiments” policy. And their company is fucking called Naked Juice. I mean, if there was ever a perfect fit for a partnership with PETA, it’s a company with the word naked in their name. I really think the straw that broke the camel’s back was that POM realized naked supermodels like Pamela Anderson make old man weiners harder than any fruity drink ever could. AND HOLY SHIT, I JUST REALIZED THAT PAMELA ANDERSON WAS A PLAYBOY BUNNY AND THE CAMPAIGN WAS ABOUT BUNNIES. In retrospect, I don’t know how this campaign lasted longer than an afternoon …
Then NASA came along and took crazy animal experiments to a whole new, scary level. Before PETA came along and stopped them, NASA planned to spend a few million dollars to see what would happen to monkeys if they bombarded them with high levels of radiation in a sketchy laboratory in Long Island, destroying their brains in the process. I mean, I’m not really a scientist per se, but I’m pretty certain that we already have a pretty good idea what the effects of prolonged exposure to radiation are. Like death for example. Oh, and in these experiments, which thankfully never went forward, NASA was going to be radiating squirrel monkeys, which if you don’t already know are just the cutest things since the slow loris. Seriously, Google it. Anyone who would hurt one of those adorable fuckers deserves to be put on a space shuttle aimed straight at the ground.